The Art of Active Listening

In class, I frequently remind my students to listen to their bodies and listen to their breath. It's something I work on in my own yoga practice as well. In fact, nurturing that active mind/body connection is what brought me to yoga and has made yoga such a large focus of my life.

Too often we move through life without the mind/body connection that yoga can help us develop. We rush through our days, often acting with a sort of disconnection while our minds race in a million different directions. We need practice to learn how to slow down, listen to ourselves, and really hear what we are feeling in any given moment.

This listening to ourselves helps us practice yoga safely and effectively. It helps us get in touch with our emotions and manage stress more easily. But this deep, active listening doesn't have to end with ourselves. We can extend active listening toward others to improve our relationships and deepen our own capacity for empathy.

How often do you plan what you are going to say in a conversation, even while someone else is still talking? It's something we all do. We hear the gist of what someone else is saying, it sparks an idea, and we start to plan our response long before they finish their thought.

We've heard enough. We have the general idea. We're ready to jump in and keep the conversation moving. We're ready to be heard.

But are we really listening? Do we really know what they are saying? Why they are saying it? How they feel about the point they are making? Are we making assumptions?

There are other distractions that keep us from active listening as well, particularly when we are so connected to our phones and social media. We are having a conversation, but also looking up something online, checking our text messages, etc.

Are we listening to what someone else is saying if we are also looking at our phones? Not really.

We may hear the words, but what else are we missing? A large portion of communication is non-verbal. We send messages with our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. Nuances of meaning are easily missed when we are not engaged in active listening.

So how can we practice active listening?

1. Set your intention. You don't have to practice active listening during every conversation of every day. But, when you are ready to focus, make a conscious decision to enter active listening mode. Put aside your phone, and any other distractions, and commit to practice your listening the way you would practice any other skill.

2. Let go of perfection. Real life conversations aren't an Aaron Sorkin script. If you're thinking about how to word a perfect response, you're more focused on how you appear than on what the other person is saying. Remember, witty responses may make for clever repartee (and entertaining TV), but that isn't the goal of active listening.

3. Give feedback. This isn't feedback in the sense of advice, but rather as some indication that you are listening. Non-verbal signs include eye contact, facial expressions, and head nods. If you need a moment to process what they've said before you respond, it's okay to say that, too. Do try to be mindful with feedback. Murmuring phrases like, "uh huh," too often may come across as rushing the story along instead of showing that you are listening.

4. Ask questions. It's easy to make assumptions during a conversation, even when we are actively listening. But those assumptions may be partly, or even completely, wrong. Instead of making guesses, ask follow-up questions to really understand someone else's point of view. How do they feel about what they are saying? What led them to that conclusion?

5. Connect by hearing as much (or more) than sharing. When someone shares an experience that is familiar, our first instinct may be to tell a similar story in return. Resist that urge. Telling your own story may feel like bonding over a similar situation, but it also shifts the focus onto you. Instead, try starting with something like, "I've had some similar experiences, how did it feel when..." and ask questions about their story. Wait to be asked about the "similar experiences" you mentioned.

Active listening is a skill and it will improve with practice. Pick a few conversations each week to really listen actively. You may find that it improves your close relationships and makes it a little easier to find common ground with those who have different points of view.