The Mental Battle of Chronic Pain

I woke up in pain today. The kind of deep ache that spreads through every joint and every muscle. My ring, which usually spins loosely around my finger, barely fits over my knuckle. It's hard to breathe deeply, because my ribs are constricted. The backs of my legs are so tight that I have the sensation of standing on my toes, even though my feet are flat on the ground.

It hurts, but it isn't the worst I've ever felt. It's a low-level ache that is more wearing than acutely painful. I managed to make it through teaching a vinyasa class. I'm not sure if I'll make it to my own practice, but I may give it a try.* There's always child's pose if I need it.

It's been a long time since I've felt this bad. Since I've had a full "flare" like this. Months, actually. And when I do have these flares, they have been shorter, sometimes only lasting for a few days or maybe a week or two. That's good. But I'm still not sure what's behind these bouts of pain.

After years of specialists and tests, the best anyone can tell me is that it's likely something "autoimmune." Something that inflames my connective tissue. Maybe it's part of my hypermobility condition, maybe it's something additional. The tests aren't clear.

I've been told that it might become clear over time. If whatever-it-is progresses. So, that's... something... ?

In the meantime, I manage and track the symptoms. I take medicine if I need it. I try to figure out what might be a trigger for the flare. And that's the hardest part, mentally.

It's hard to wake up in pain and have to look back over the past few days thinking, "What did I do?"

I have to run through the possibilities: Did I over-exercise? Did I have too much stress? Did I eat the wrong thing? Did I not get enough sleep? What's happening with the weather? Where am I at in my cycle?

When my pain flares up, my brain repeats, "What did I do? What did I do?" like a broken record. As if there was one misstep, or maybe a few small missteps, that brought this on. As if I did it to myself.

It's natural to look for causes of pain. Especially if you can avoid those triggers in the future. But—after 10+ years of dealing with this—I think there's also a time when you have to accept that sometimes it's out of your control.

It's a scary thought in some ways. The idea that pain can just happen, any time, without a clear reason. But it's also freeing. A flare may be brought on by a lot of different factors, but I can only do so much to try to identify and avoid those triggers. I can only do so much to stay healthy.

During a flare, I have to remind myself that the pain is not a punishment for something I did "wrong." It's just something out-of-whack in my body. It's not my fault.

For some unknown reason, my immune system is acting up and it needs some time and care to get back on track.

My body may be attacking itself, but it doesn't help for my mind to get in on the act.

Instead, I can try to be kind to myself. I can smile and do what I can. I can be sad, but accept that I may have to miss a few things until I feel better.

I can also see pain as a reminder to be kind, to myself and to others, because no one knows what other people are feeling behind their smiles.


---
*After writing this post, I did make it to my own yoga practice. I found a spot in the back, spent a lot of time in child's pose, heavily modified, and had hardly any vinyasas in my vinyasa practice. But it was nice to breathe and move a bit with part of my yoga family.